BOR-ING

"Bonfires burning bright! Pumpkin faces in the night! I remember Halloween!" - G. Danzig

We are in the midst of a terrible imagination deficit. Halloween used to be the default weirdo holiday for the proto-ADHD generation, woodstock minus the brown acid. At the very least, it provided a platform for people to "become" highschool goths or mohawked punks. (You know you probably knew someone who did that. If you don't, it was probably you.) Alas, a tear wells in my eye whenever i recall those halcyon days.

Our society and the establishment are constantly rewarding mediocrity; anyone looking for evidence of this need not look any further than a modern costume party. On Saturday, armed to the teeth in booze and flanked by a bevy of Liza Minelli's, we embarked on a (spiritually) disappointing journey to a middle school sponsored haunted houseparty.

Disguised as the Hamburglar, I was able to move about the crowd and freely examine what ideas people had come up with. First, I should explain that our company included: Freddy Kruger, an American, Tall Man from Phantasm, Thriller-era Jacko, one ninja turtle (Donatello), a bunch of Cabaret Liza's, and a toilet paper mummy.

The party itself was actually pretty impressive. A few hundred highschool kids in slutty costume and their parents' s middle aged friends soaked to the gills in free booze. It was kind of like one of those movie bonfire parties (Teenwolf) where the star of the movie does a Chuck Berry-inspired duckwalk, possibly with a stratocaster, right before turning into a super cool (rad?) werewolf and high fiving some babes in hot costumes. Keep in mind that everyone else is probably really cold at the party, but the cool wolf-dude is wearing some boardshorts or something (and probably carrying a surfboard, just to rub it in!) Take that, "Spudz" McKenzie! His fur actually keeps him pretty warm.

I, like any othe red-blooded american male age 16-45, am deluded enough to think I do pretty convincing impressions of characters from Grandma's Boy, Old School, Wet Hot American Summer, and of course Da Ali G Show. This, of course, is not really the case. When did everyone go completely retarded and confuse Halloween for some kind of bullshit character acting excercise, where you talk and like the person you dressed up as? There were like 50 or so Borats at the party! Absolutely every one of them abusing that flimsy unspoken new covenant; pretending to be Sasha Baron Cohen. There i was, getting stuck in a crowded doorjamb with Borat! Waiting in line for the portolet behind 3 Borats! I had to fight my way through a sea of Borats for drinks or a warm spot by the fire. Not even the hordes of muscular dudes dressed as barroom crackwhores (#2 most popular costume) were any match for this unholy legion. I imagined all the horible costumes of years past coming back from the grave, re-animated, only to destroy! Unfortunatley, its probably too late. I have a feeling its gonna take more than that. I'm not sure if all the Austin Powers, Frodos, Richie Tannenbaums, Napoleon Dynamites, and Captain Jacks in the world can save us now.